(How is it only 33 days?! It feels like an eternity already.)
Today was a day where I could barely hold it together. Between exhaustion, hormones and yesterday’s news I was a mess. I went outside and sat on the ground and wept and prayed. I called my mom and we talked and cried together. Then when I didn’t think I had any tears left I wiped them away and went inside to spend precious time with my littlest man.
In Canada 250 kids get leukaemia each year. And only 1 of them get the kind Lochlan has. I wish Loch wasn’t so special.
He reached out and held my hand and said he decided that he isn’t going to let cancer be the thing that kills him. That he has decided he wants to live a long and happy life. He wants to be a strong man, a good dad and husband someday. And so I wept some more as it was such a shift from this morning when he told me he wanted to die. The rollercoaster of emotions is big.
Any chance I got I spent outside today. Grounded. Rooted. Connected. Luke came out to join me and have a good cry about his little brother. He sobbed with sadness over the fact that his incredible, kind, sweet, hilarious brother has to endure this. He just kept repeating to himself between statements and thoughts, “He’s got this. He’s going to get through this and live a good life.” Convincing himself of this—speaking life over the situation as if it’s his new mantra. When we went inside , Lochlan hugged Luke and said, “I know we shouldn’t make promises that we can’t keep. But I promise that I’m always going to be there for you.”
Mitch and I talked with the boys about trying to simply enjoy the day we’re given since no one is guaranteed tomorrow. We talked about trusting your body’s innate knowledge to heal and about God’s strength and the power of prayer. And we ended the day with “normalcy”— games and stories on the deck, good homemade nourishing food, and a whole lot of love.
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