Day 34 of Lochlan’s healing journey with leukaemia was filled with waiting and resting for him. He was very tender + sore from his port surgery and didn’t want to move much. Add to that the fact that he is nervous about tomorrow’s bloodwork appointment because it is the first time the will access his port, and we had a very quiet, sad, down, emotional little boy.
It’s hard not to want to push him and force him to live while he has the chance. Without any guarantees of this whole process working, I feel a pull to make the most of each and every day we are given. But I also have to realize that he is going through a lot and that is exhausting, and painful and rest is work too.
I feel like life is on hold. I can’t concentrate on anything other than learning more about his diagnosis, and the medicines he is on and will be on. I can’t do the things that I used to love - knit, read, play the piano, sew etc. I only can get what needs to get done (chores, cleaning, meals, etc) done. Mitch described it well the other day by saying we’re just in our own weird sort of purgatory… waiting to return to life here or live eternally in heaven.
I went for a walk to my woods today, and I wept and prayed like I have never prayed before. I poured my heart out to Him and begged him to be with Lochlan through this… to help him find peace and strength and courage to face each step. I prayed that He be with Luke as he tries to figure out how to live while his best friend and little brother endures such pain and onslaught of meds. I prayed that He be with Mitch and help him as he navigated work, v picking up my slack, and being super dad to the boys. And I prayed a prayer that has been special to my family for years (I’ll put it in the comments). I took deep breaths, and found a tiny bit of calm in my favourite place, to give me enough to face my nightmare of a reality back down the hill in my home.
We had supper outside again, and talked through some big feelings. With a big week ahead it was an early bedtime for him. He said he likes bedtime because sleep is the only time he gets a tiny break from having to live with cancer 😢.
One step at a time, that’s how we get through each moment.
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