Day 45 of Lochlan’s healing journey with near haploid leukaemia was filled with chemo, and big emotions. Lochlan’s fear and worry for getting a new needle next week for his chest port interrupted his entire day. I think it’s an outlet for him to be able to control or hyperfixate on. During a time where he feels so out of control, focusing on the fear was his to hold. I talked to him about not letting something a week away ruin the day but it wasn’t much use. But then I got an idea that he was super excited about— hypnotherapy. If we can hypnotize him to get through his fears and calm the worry of this whole process I know we all would be grateful.
Today after a visit from his uncle and his grandpa (which was a welcomed distraction for him), Lochlan had quiet time in his room - a time to simply sit in the reality he’s been forced to face. And through that more tears and anger and sadness poured out. He said he feels like he’s not himself, and that he’s not really living anymore. He said he doesn’t feel like he’s home. And that this is his own living hell. He cried, and I cried and we hugged and just felt.
I got him outside today and although he didn’t want to be out there at first we ended up outside for nearly two hours. We grounded and took deep breaths, and reconnected to the earth. And then he walked with me to the end of our middle field and back. Gaining strength and working on mobility gives him something to focus on besides the cancer and the hurt.
And for me, my focus is on all the alternative therapies I can possibly give him to help him heal. The list is long but I want to do everything I can to possibly support him and minimize damage- both emotional and physical. I feel helpless and need to keep myself busy to prevent me from just wallowing in the sadness of it all. Instead I research, I dig deeper, and try to not get stuck in the feelings and simply act.
This quote from Saint Francis of Assisi sums up how I feel these days:
“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”
Pulling out all the stops, and moving one step forward every single day.
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