Today started as usual with red light therapy and essential oils before heading to the hospital for his chemo treatment. He was in a great mood to start his day until a few minutes out from the hospital. Then the tears started, and when I parked the car he, in a panicked voice said, “I can’t walk! I can’t move!” He truly believed he couldn’t (although he was more than capable), and the fear was so real. He said “Something’s wrong with me! I can’t move!” I reassured him he was safe and it would be ok. I carried him, as he bawled, into the oncology centre and got him into a wheelchair. The nurses were amazing and didn’t make us do the usual song and dance of taking a number, waiting in the waiting room, and then registering— instead they came right over and said they’d register him right away. We got his bracelet and then went up to paediatrics.
His favourite nurse took his vitals and all was well, despite his fear and belief that he couldn’t move. She in great at reading people and the situation and simply did the bloodwork, and hooked up his chemo and left us to work through his big emotions. As his chemo went through the IV we said affirmations together, and did breathwork, and before we knew it the chemo was done and he was ready to go home. He didn’t feel he could even stand to get from the bed to the wheelchair, so I lifted him in. And then carried him from the main doors all the way to our car.
As we drove home he started to calm down. And about 2/3 of the way home he was talking about the houses and the cars we passed etc. Once we got on our road I told him about the concept of fight, flight, and freeze— I believe that his little mind told his body that it was tired of the hospital and that he needed to freeze for a bit. But I told him that I was sure he’d be able to get out of the car and walk up the step into our house because his mind knows it’s a safe space. Sure enough, that’s what happened. Lochlan was able to walk up and down the stairs on his own with ease all day. After some lunch we all headed outside for some family time and some nature therapy. That’s where the true healing came from for him. He could breathe the fresh air, feel the wind on his face, the sun on his skin, the grass under his feet. He played catch with Mitch and just enjoyed the moment.
Later we went out as a family to get a few groceries and he walked all the way from one end of the parking lot to the stores and through every aisle and back to the car without issue. He gained some confidence back and felt much better after that.
During supper he had a lot of questions about his treatment, and the new experimental immunotherapy he’ll be starting in 6ish weeks. Even Luke was concerned and interested in what it was all about and how it would work for his little brother— and what would happen if it doesn’t. So many concerns through the bigness of it all.
I needed time for me after all of the day’s events… spending time grounding and connecting and praying and feeling. There is no “how to” book for this journey, and I am just winging it but moms, we will rise to what our babies needs are time and time again without fail because we are meant to. We are their safe space.
Tonight when I tucked Lochlan in he said, “Thank you for everything you did for me today. And everything you did for me before today. And everything you will do for me in the days that haven’t happened yet.” I told him we’re a team, and in this thing together. His response: “We’ll do it together every step of the way. One step at a time, right?!” Right, my baby boy.
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