I began the day with getting myself organized and packed up for a few days of hospital time, tidied the house, made some breakfast, and went outside to do the chores. As I walked past my overrun-with-weeds garden, to let out the chickens I couldn’t help but be overcome with the “what could have been”. The hopes and dreams and plans we had for our farm this summer. The hopes and dreams and plans I had for my boys this summer.
I stood there looking up towards our back hill and forest, took some deep breaths, and headed back inside to finish getting ready.
Luke and I drove to the hospital together in mostly silence. I just kept thinking of how much he’s grown this summer and how I feel like I’ve missed it all. He had a growth spurt and now is 5’8”. His voice is changing and is now so much deeper. He lost so many baby teeth. He started having more interest in girls. He is so capable and strong and just a bundle of energy. And I have been missing watching it all happen because my focus and energy has to be preserved for Lochlan. I am grateful for Mitch and how he has been there for Luke at a time where he is needed most… to be an example of a good man for Luke to learn from and emulate. But I feel so disconnected from this whole phase of his life.
And I can’t help but think of how different his life would be if Lochlan were healthy and mobile. How would their early fall days be spent on our land? The two of them are finally at an age and stage where they can do real significant things on our farm, but Luke won’t do them alone, and Lochlan isn’t there, and at this stage isn’t capable to do it with him. Homeschooling is great when you aren’t doing it alone, but for Luke it’s not so great right now.
Lochlan’s diagnosis has affected us all. Luke definitely isn’t unscathed by it. His world has changed a lot, yet we’ve worked hard to keep some solid anchors in place for him. We don’t know what life will bring in the coming months and years, so trying to give Luke a “normal” life through all this is a must.
Lochlan had a quiet day. Lots of naps. A few tears. He just wants to go home. 3 more sleeps.
Comments